Snow reminds me of you.
Snow reminds me of you.
Laurel walked into our class meeting today dressed up in her costume with her hair down and I thought it was you. She looked just like you. I never noticed any resemblance before but in that moment I swore you were right in front of me and the pain when I realized it wasn’t you hurt me all the way through. I miss you even more today than usual.
Everyday is still hard and I miss you. I sit in the garden as much as I can and it feels like you are there sometimes. I like to sit by myself and pretend you’re sitting with me. Graham’s 18th birthday is coming up and homecoming is next weekend and time is flying. I can’t believe you would have been in college right now. I’ve been thinking about next year a lot already and I need to stop but I can’t. I love you all the time.
I walked past your garden for the first time and my heart hurt. No one spoke as we walked by it. My heart aches today.
I miss you everyday. Sara’s mom told me that your mother reads all of my notes to you and it made me feel noticed and special. Neither of us really had any words but it was okay because we both understood. You can’t put words to any of this, even over a year and a half later. There are no words to describe it.
I went to visit you last week. I’ve seen so many dragonflies lately. I was riding last week and one flew next to me. I miss you, dear. My junior year is starting soon. I’m scared. Help me. I know you will, but I will need it. I miss you everyday.
I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. Your birthday is a week from tomorrow. 18. Prom is in a few weeks and I’m going. I know you would have been too. I wish I could be sharing that night with you. I really wish that so much. But Danielle and I will be together even if I probably won’t see each other much but we will both be there for the first time thinking about you and knowing each other are there. Spring break was long but not long enough. I got a job. I’ve asked for a lot of help from you lately and you always come to my rescue. I wish I could thank you in more ways than just saying it in my head or out loud to myself. I miss you. I miss your long blonde hair and backpack full p keychains and your big bear hugs and I even miss the way you smell and I miss every single thing. The year is drawing to a close. Another ending. I wish you were here. I love you a lot.
A year ago today I was sitting on Lainey’s couch with Veronica her and Alexandra I think when Danielle called me and was crying and immediately I knew and walked 5 feet before falling over in shock and shaking and crying and not knowing what to do or feel because my big sister was gone and my world has just crashed down around me. I miss her. I miss her so much. I love you Jessica this is the hardest day of the this year. Everyday without you is hard but this is the hardest. I miss you every second.
I’m writing my last Mountain School essay about you. It is hard and emotional but I think that the essay is good and says a lot. I can’t get you out of my head recently. Every time I walk past the garden I want to go out there and be with you, as best as I can be with you. It has been a sad few weeks at LS4G. I have heard your name a couple of times. I’ve tried not to cry when you cross my mind but it is not easy. I changed my profile picture away from the photo of us. I wish I hadn’t. I will change it back one day. I love you more than anything. I miss you so much.
One year. 52 weeks. 365 days. 525,600 minutes. That’s how long it has been since you have been gone and it is so hard every single day you are not with us. Lately, this week, it’s been worse. I cannot believe that it has been an entire year. I have been through so much that I hope you have seen from wherever you are. Jessica, we miss you so much. Today at the cemetery with Rachel, Lindsey, and Danielle, we were telling stories about how much we miss you and how we still keep our memories with you alive. Lindsey pointed out how she noticed how much I looked up to you. I did and still do. You were my guide, my role model, my big sister. I have been thinking about you all day. From the moment I woke up to I’m sure when I fall asleep. You are on everyone’s mind today and this week and everyday. I brought you flowers today. I’m sorry they are Christmas colored but that’s all the flower place had. They knew all about what happened. The woman’s daughter went to Laurel. She was at Song Contest yesterday. It’s a small world. My class got 2nd yesterday and yours got 1st :) We were so happy. You were watching down on all of us and it was for you. Everything is for you. Everything everyone does is for you. We are living for you. When you left us, we gained an angel. We may have lost a friend, but we gained an angel and we will always have that with us. Jessica, I love you. I love you more than I ever told you and more than I could ever explain. I miss you so much, beautiful. Rest in peace, our angel, Laurel and everyone who you touched loves you so much.
Nothing can prepare me for tomorrow.
Singing Silent Night with the school tonight was one of the most beautiful and incredible things I’ve ever experienced. After, I hugged my friends and your classmates and everyone was crying. Hugging Danielle and Sophie was emotional and I’m going to miss both of them so much when they are gone this year and then after that. I miss you and you were all I could think about today at Snowflake Assembly and at the concert tonight. I love you Jessica I love you so much. Song Contest is tomorrow. I’m scared. Wish us luck :)
It’s a year on Friday and it’s all I can think about and I’m sad and no one can help and midterms are stressful and a year yesterday was the last time I ever saw you and I miss you so much and I am so sad. I am just so, so sad right now. I love you so freaking much oh my god I can’t even put it into words. I can’t believe it’s almost been a year. I wish I could distract myself but I can’t. I love you. I love you. I love you. I miss you, Jessica. All the time.
It’s been 11 months. 11. Over 11 actually. 11 was on my birthday. 16th. I remember my 15th birthday and the giant hug you gave me and what you said and how it felt to be loved and appreciated by you for a moment. I remember that so well. I can’t believe it’s been almost a year. Almost a whole year. I went to visit you twice 2 weeks ago. I kept my promise that the day I got my license the first place I went was to go visit you. I left my student driver sticker with a note on the back. It’s been really hard for me to keep going the past couple of months. I haven’t been talking to you as much and I feel awful about that. I’ve needed your advice the past few weeks working past something you would probably be able to help me with. Song contest is right around the corner. That was the last place I ever saw you. The last time I hugged you. The last time I talked to you. It’s going to be an emotional rollercoaster of a day. For me and a few select other sophomores and juniors and of course your class. I miss you more than words can describe. God I love you so much, Jess. So incredibly much.